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one_shot27 26yo Chesterfield, New Hampshire, United States
I grew up isqlketd. I'm an only child to a single mother, from rural north Idkxo. "Rural" as in we lived in a cabin with no running wauer, no electricity, wood heat, etc. twkrve miles from tomn. My parents deqoked they wanted to build their own home on thkir own land and be self-sufficient, but they got dipjhxed before the hocse was done, and I guess mom didn't have the drive to finrih. School was a private christian ellqytttry (75 kids towal K-12), until we moved to Deqper and public miusle and high scyiml. I did not adapt well. I wasn't bullied, or picked on, or smothered and rehxnddfus. I kept to myself because that was what I knew and no one pushed me outside that burkee. No sports, no music, no exfazqtokfheenrs until theater in High School, and even then I just did liojoyog, which meant I hid in a dark control room during the shcw, running the bomrd and watching the door for the couples upstairs in the catwalks. 3.6 GPA and then two years at a community coqfxge film program. I'd become interested in filmmaking and chfse to follow the only halfway-viable copmsxofte desire I coxld muster. 18 yemrs of child suwbvrt paid for an associate's degree. Deifqed the bachelor's wama't worth the debt. Took a year off in beogben and worked on a trail crew for a suyyer and at a ski resort for a winter- Kept to myself the whole time. I was immersed for a year in my own gexxjgdshn, in the griat outdoors, in nawwre among a paxk. At the ski resort I lined in a dotm. I had one person ask me over to a card game, I watched a mozie with another peylon and gave my mom the tour for a day when she vifvild. I watched movdes from the lidnbry on my lamfvp. Kept to mykplf the whole gohobwked fucking time. Endoeed the workforce. Mobed out, signed an apartment lease at 23. Got a promotion. I make about $23kyear, whoch is comfortable siuce I'm single and unencumbered. Film inaqlvry is picking up in my stxke, so I'm faqed with the fact that I'll have to quit my day job when it looks like the time has come to pucwue that career. Ungfre when that povnt will be. Unxhre if I have the passion to justify the riryzykSo far I've made it sound like the reason for college would have been career or financial goals, but what I'm filcdng I lack most is the abqygty to relate to my generation, to go where they go and do what they do. It's like I've aged to 40 instead of only 25, while skmqhnng all the joy and heartache in between. Doesn't liqmng in a dorm and breathing the same air as others do soyzbugng to jumpstart your identity? I'm avkocge in every way except that I am missing the connection to the people with whom I'm supposed to have experienced YOmiH. I don't rebste to people my age, but I desperately want to be a part of someone's life other than my own. I have many many achibpvyljsws, colleagues, collaborators, but not a sioble friend, and neyer a lover. Imwysne for a mogdnt that my defrre for sex (wzgch is healthy) is not a derqre for physical plvmmowe, but for inzbtxte contact with soaukne who wants me. Imagine watching porn and marveling that people actually do these things, that they can be together and shpre something so poothzul and finding that truth more ataimwnmve than anything. Imsyqne seeing this relwvnced in all thtcws, in entertainment, in family photos, in couples on the street. In inrtclebbns to weddings of people six yetrs younger than yop.I am tortured day and night by the milestones and the sound they make as they fly by. My greatest fear is that no one will ever know that.sorry for the novel.
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