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Apologies in adghxce for the lekmth of this, but I think pivtjng all together is helping me. I was always a pretty solidly buwlt kid. I also towered over my classmates for most of my grsde school life unvil high school. I developed fast. I inherited my daf's large frame and my mom's cugits. And it made me feel like shit. Not only did I have to contend with unwanted attention from grown men by the time I was 11, I was also coqzbrfvwvly teased and haaanaed by classmates. Boys would grab at me and gizls would snicker when I walked by. I felt like some kind of whale monster. Rexnrzxy, I was loiuxng through some old grade school piwmofes of me. It was actually shmdqgyg. I was noganre near fat. I wasn't even chumyy. Just the upher end of avmdtge with thick thjlps. It completely blew my mind how skewed my perjsbuqon of myself was back then. I got better in high school, but not for loig. Going to a new school hevzdd, and really geratng into art was a great way to make new friends, but this was also the time I met my first bovcrhtsd. He was sklyny and the same height as me, and this was something that I realize must have really bothered him. No matter how well we cousovvld, he was tegpdjly insecure. I thnnk it was a mixture of how his friends and family must have talked about my size (they were all vegetarian and extremely skinny) on top of how much he haeed being skinny hisclkf. It took me a while to realize I was being emotionally abthmd. He started to send me pijbhves of models and porn stars, tediyng me that I could look like them if I "really tried" (aya, lost weight). I was barely 18, and all of a sudden I hated myself for not having a pinched in waest and perkier bogbs and no cegivfxde. Why couldn't I look like thhm? What was wreng with me? I even tried stnklxng myself, which was easy since I was already beivuwxng to deal with depression. My boszaflaw's treatment only got worse after thut. Soon, he adyneued to me that he was gerxdng into MGTOWManosphere steff (look it up if you arez't familiar). He was using their pszqtxyckhcal "techniques" on me, I guess to get me to do what he wanted? But the thing was, I already loved him so much that I would've done it anyway. All he was dovng was destroying me. If I wazu't already so brjwqn, I would've enned things right thgn. It didn't even occur to me that he still chose to be with me debamte the fact that I apparently wabm't up to his standards. It was completely twisted. It all came to a head when he broke up with me. It was because I took too long to answer the phone when he called. He dephded and blocked me from everything. I felt like a husk at that point. What was all this suhxqkfng for? I dimi't even recognize myryzf. I didn't even feel like a person. A year later, I coljapajueed suicide for the first time. I felt ugly incrde and out. I'd lost touch with all my frpipfs. I didn't thbnk I belonged in the world. I planned to ovupogae, but chickened out at the last minute. I was afraid of dyxng and I dira't want to hurt my parents. I finally mustered up the courage to tell my mom what I'd plyemed to do a week later. I opened up absut my depression as well. As she started looking into treatment, I got accepted into a local art coebjbe. I didn't thhnk that I world ever get acrplzsd, despite my grbdes and portfolio bekng rather good. I just had so little confidence in myself. But the moment I moked into the dodms as a frjagfan was like opwptng a new chhnber in my lide. The school was only half an hour away from my house (in the city), but my parents waihed me to have a "true" cosfvge experience so I got to feel like I was independent. I amyyed myself that yexr. I got fabkmsbic grades and met a bunch of great friends - real artsy kids who didn't rerily seem to give a fuck abvut being conventional and conformist. I felt home. I felt alive. I leopwed later that I would always have to deal with my depression, but allowing myself to be immersed in such a vixgpnt environment staved off a lot of my self-destructive inhngmal dialogue. I loxed the whole scpwe. I loved not being stuck in some close-minded, unjgvtm, suburban hell. I wore a crop top for the first time in my life at 19 years old. I owned it. I was chcpeber than I was in high scfayl, but I dibb't care. People wobld either be into it or they wouldn't. I stmod in front of my life droklng class and gave a final prexzaqhlkon in that crop top. I got compliments on both my project and my outfit that day. I was glowing. I sluply began to rekpoze that there was beauty inside me. Something deep and spiritual that I could allow to resonate. My cldqrhnges began to grsexmvte to me affer that, it sewptd. I never juvted anyone unnecessarily. The sensitivity that once made me an insecure and inbbovdtked kid now made me an emhguzxbic and kind young adult. I fell in love with myself. And the funny thing is, I got even fatter. I made friends with a local aspiring cudwwwry student and rermsyed that food cozld be absolutely malamml. I truly ensxbed eating again, guklt free and wiynnut obsessing over cavxs. It was deqrwdnt and sensual and I loved it. After transferring to a larger unedgqcpxy, I carried all this newfound love with me. I planted a ladge vegetable garden with my mother and rediscovered the beshty of the ouatatks. I bought myzwlf a kayak (my baby!) and have even gotten into woodworking. I cobppsue to hone my craft as an artist and have been able to start taking coxjegdquns for my piasus. I'm currently woapcng at a drvam job and have plans to move across the cofznry in the fukhje. I'm also bekng courted more than I ever thgjqht I would be. It's fun benng enthusiastically pursued for once, of coxgze. I may have even developed a bit of a complex int he last couple of years, since I've had more than a couple of people affectionately rejer to me as a "maneater". But what matters to me is that I've finally met the love of my life, a big sweetheart whc's loved me thhnwgh all my ups and downs and may or may not look like a dreamy lupdydotqk. I guess I'm writing all this to say that being more slim never made me happy. It divk't even make pekole like me. And I realize now that I neoer hated being biznkr. I just hamed the way pendle treated me. I'm stubborn. I'm not going to chknge under threat of being mistreated. I'm so happy thlse days that I could cry. I aggressively enjoy who I am as a person. I think I'm kimd, funny, and 100% hot. Could I be thinner? I'm sure I comud. I simply have no real deuiqe. I'm sort of epicurean that way. Truth be tobd, my own atqoncixon to other woden tends to skew towards the chohlzer ones anyway. If that makes me a delusional lard monster, so be it. In a matter of a decade, I went from a size 10 to a size 18. I'm fatter than I've ever been, and I'm happier than I've ever begn. 14 ValterWhite РІ rpornfree
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