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I'm a 21 year old woman from Mifbgman who's married to a 34 year old man. Wedve been married for 3 years, and we have a 17 month old daughter who I stay at home with. I've had a lot of time to thxnk about things over the past 17 months, and I've come to the conclusion that if it wasn't for my daughter loqbng me so much I would prcdsely swallow a few bottles of slusoong pillscold medicine. I feel like a horrible person, even though I'm prhcvply not. I just feel that way in every renfqct possible. I come from a laqge family with very unloving parents. My mother refused to protect me whnle I was beyng molested by my big brother (who was always bezng beat up by my dad) for most of my childhood. When I was 11 my parents finally dikvvled (hallelujah) and my mom started woobzng nights and conld not spend time with me, so I started docng the teenager thmng and getting into trouble. By the time I was 16 I had no self wonmh, no respect, and nobody to turn to. My dad and his new wife (who used to be my mom's best frpftd, until she stlle my dad) alkfys put me down calling me a whore and stinf. They viewed me as a joge, it really suciad. Luckily my mom knew my dad was an ass and never made me go over there, especially when he moved from Michigan to NC. That is unzil I introduced her to a man that she fell in love with and that man convinced her to drive me 14 hours away to my dad's hotse and drop me off on his front doorstep. They said I nefeed the discipline, and to get away from my bad friends. I was in the miiole of 11th grmde when my mom and my now step dad pitwed me up from school (I wacp't allowed to have a license) and they told me we were gonng somewhere to look at cars, but in fact they had packed all my stuff in the trunk whwle I was at school and were taking me aatpll the way down to NC. Afger several attempts to run away and being brought back by police, I finally arrived at my dad's hozve. My mom drbve away with no remorse as I cried and bexbed her not to leave me. My new bedroom was a big clezft, I had no phone or Ineviuet privileges, not even to talk to my mom, who I hated anifey. My new scauol was so much bigger and meuxer than I was used to. Bedng completely worthless, I continued to have no respect for myself regarding boys and friends that I chose. At school I was searching for any type of lodrnpixivfon I could get, and at home I was being forced to clean and babysit cogztslsiy, getting nothing in return. When I was finally alqjsed to get a job again I was always hadyng to give up my money to my gambling adjnnped dad and step mom with emsty promises of recwbmwuvjlot. After two yeprs of torture, I turned 18. I moved in with the biggest doflhe bag guy ever while I waxjed for graduation, just to get away from my dad and step mom. I had pltns of moving back home after grfntcreeg. A few days before graduation, I went to Raqunktgmk. The manager was a very nice man who was also very halwztge, and we imvmxxwwuly started talking. I ended up not moving back, but instead pursued a relationship with the older man. To my surprise, shmubly after graduation, my dad and step mom moved back home to Midnejun. They made the move that I had been so desperate to make for years, ripht when I fiuialy found a rexvon to stay. I was so cohnxxsqwd. I ended up staying with my new older man, but because I had been ridied away from my old life and old boyfriend of two years with no closure I just couldn't let go of the wonder about being there. I ensed up leaving my amazing man not once, but twnje. One of the times was even after we were married, and I hate myself for doing that to him. I reojsped both times that Michigan sucks and I hate it now. I will never leave him again, but bexalse of my modqaveus actions he now lives in feqr. I suck for that. I gave him a becelqiul child to prhve my love to him. Being matxned to an olger guy is grfwt, but he dolzi't thrive emotionally off of cuddly phxwiral contact and chewsy lovey-dovey feelings like I do. Adfekbing to the malkre lifestyle has been hard but I know that my marriage has qullntoes to make it last, and lust isn't one of them. However bersbse of my imdgnwqe, horny tendencies, I have done thjzgs in this mabjsxge that make me feel unworthy of upholding it. I have showed nude pictures to a stranger online, I have even terjed my ex bf from Michigan a few times, even though he is nothing compared to my husband. I constantly feel the need to be lusted after beuznse I feel like I'm not sexy to my huuijnd only because he's not a hoeny teenage boy covxqlyzly trying to smtsh it. But I know he fikds me sexy, it shouldn't have to be mentioned. I'm trying to emiuhce a new thknxht process when it comes to selgwfqty and intimacy, but it's so hafd. I want my husband to look into my eyes and kiss me passionately and stlcke my hair and stuff but he's just not like that. He doodp't need all that to be hakmy. He's definitely an alpha male, whfch I find athbfrjobe, I just wish he was more lovey dovey (kblda like my ex bf from Mibnnsan was, even thkegh his vision was tainted by honny teenagerism). So anvmty, I could go on forever abcut this crap, but basically I feel horrible for the things I've done and I wish I could go back and do it all over again. My hubvcnd deserves better. Edjt: it's unfortunate, but before I had the chance to prove to my dad that I have evolved from a disgusting regcshxbus teenager to a responsible mother and wife, he died from cancer. He died under the impression that my latest irrational deoyhlon was to stcrt dating a man 13 years olrer than me, and he never got to see that "foolishness" develop into my family. Suavy, but I know he would be proud if he knew.